Sept 2006

Cool Heads. At the first work party of the summer, it was a case of cool heads required after it was decided to strip down the icemaking machine, clean it and return it to service. The work party had two things in their favour as it was dismantled part by part. 1. Alasdair was not present. (anything to do with machines it is better that he is not present) 2. The Bar Convenor was on holiday (this meant that if it could not be rebuilt then we had two weeks to find another one). However    everything went to plan and everyone kept cool. 

Close Call ! Two young inexperienced Office-bearers were talking to the Grand Master at the P.G.M.Installation. The G.M. listened intently as they told of mentors, good friends and how they were enjoying the Lodge membership. The G.M. asked what they did - we`re Electricians they replied. The G.M. then went on to say that he had a son aged 24 who was in Sandhurst - “what is he in for ?”  asked one  inexperienced young Office-bearer. Don`t worry we were only kidding.

April 2006

The Back Page has over the last 100 issues looked at topics, points of view and other items of interest but from Not Quite The Right Angle. In this issue we look back at a selection of the stories, rumours and rumours of rumours that have made you smile.   

Rumour 1. The Oct. 1999 issue announced that a rumour was circulating in the Bothwell area that the Lodge Annual Visit would be to Iran. This error was put down to the Bothwell gentry    pronunciation of Arran. 

April 2001. Reported on the building of a greenhouse in Generals Gate. Here is the story, a strange type of construction work has been observed in the back garden of a small Honorary Member. Was this a 579 version of R2D2 constructing a space vehicle, or had part of the Russian Mir Spacestation landed in his back garden? My curiosity was killing me, “What are you doing Alexi” “Smufin tae dae wi ye, yiz musft think am daft, itllbe `a ouer the Back Page”.(a translation may be required here for those readers who have not tuned their ears to his new teeth) “If it`s a spaceship it`ll be on the front page of the Right Angle”, “and I`ll tell Alasdair that your planning to go without him”.  

Sold. A late night phone call from The Life President of the Open Country Touring Club left me stunned. “The Blade`s been sold”. To a taxi driver from Viewpark, was the reply. My    immediate thought was almost too horrific to print, images of a couple dressed to the nineties going to a dance , then the Blade turns round the corner with a taxi sign on the roof. Bal Sharma`s warning came to mind “Don`t go in the back, if it crashes you`ll be burnt to death, it`s a death trap”.   

Apology. Early in 2000 we had to print an apology. The  colour photo in some issues of The Right Angle show a lighter shading than others. We pointed out that this was due to reproduction techniques used in the process. We apologised if the Secretary of 440 appears to have lighter locks but we can assure readers that his colouring is natural and perfectly normal for a person of his age. 

Asda Price? Rumour has it that our intrepid I.P.M. after being dropped off at home from an Installation by Pat Clarke could not get into the house. The story goes that his father on seeing his car outside the door thought that he was in bed locked up for the night and went to bed. The IPM could not get into the house - but by luck had his car keys in his pocket. Only one thing to do! All night Asda shopping. Imagine the scene, a tall gentleman pushing a trolley dressed in a Dinner Suit round Asda in the middle of the night. How long can you browse in a Dinner Suit? 

Sensational ! The question usually arises  - where were you when President Kennedy was shot? Well a new question is now being asked - where were you when Alasdiar Dunlop sang When I fall in love. He was asked to sing and as he stood up there was a hush in the hall. AS he adjusted his glasses, he stunned the  company with that old Nat King Cole number  When I fall in love. Sensational. 

We asked. A well known Lodge Secretary for his opinion as to what the best Back Page story was. Without hesitating he said, It was the Seasonal Tale of around early 1998 so here it is ! It was the height of the Burns Supper Season …… imagine the scene.

The other night the wind was howling and the rain lashed as I made my way home, needing petrol I took the Bothwell Road, the Garage lit up, ablaze in the storm. Memories came flooding back, of that other traveller, Tam O`Shanter. Soon I began to imagine that Allan`s Garage was a modern Alloway Kirk, Petrol Pumps as “open presses”  strange ghastly shapes wrapped up against the cold seemed to dance their way to the till. Then in the corner of my eye, a ghastly shape. The Flying Blade was lurkin, a hunched up figure struggled with a long umbilical, like “yin fae a       newborn urchin” ! Then just as he turned aff the Air, the modern day Tam shouted, “ “mind and check the spare”. In an instant all was still - I quickly finished at the till. To “Up The Hill” in haste we made, quickly followed by The Blade. Down the Street and through the Cross, he was gaining - I was at a loss. Then I remembered his Achilles heel, another flat battery - that will make him squeal ! The Holm Brae beckoned, long, proud and steep. The Blade it spluttered, volts at a peep. Tam, Tam, I sympathise in many ways …….pity warlocks didn`t drive Scimitars in Burns days.    

Mar 2006

Power of the Press. In last months issue we highlighted that one of our small     folding tables had disappeared from the Hall. Well, after the exposure in last months issue, it`s back. But that poses questions like what do you want with a 4 foot by 3 foot fold flat table? 

Could it be that it`s a big persons snow board? Maybe that you want to sit by yourself at dinner !  Ideal card table ? the list is endless ……… but wait …… the Masonic Hall serial thief is still on the loose …… the small raffle drum is still missing ! Is there a link? 

We asked our serial expert for his opinion. Adjusting his glasses he said, there is a small connection ! Astonished at the experts analytical skills in these matters, I held my breath awaiting his opinion. I imagined a scene mid way between Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Da Vinci Code ……… the answer was stunningly simple. We`re looking for a big person who likes dangerous sports and is a bit of a gambler and ………he collects masonic paraphernalia ! 

So, if your out there, we`re going to expose you ! To avoid frightening the ladies who read the back page ………. Could we please have our raffle drum back.

Let there be light. A power cut was all we needed at 1288 Burns Supper – some of the lights off, no draught beer, no heating ! but there was romantic candles in the lounge, bottled beer instead of pints and  plenty of halfs to keep out the cold. In fact the night went so well that a young inexperienced office bearer thought that he had cracked the serial thief mystery. He thought some of these 1288 guys were so tired by the end of the night, that they were using our tables to carry them out to the bus……..    

Feb 2006

Another Mystery ? Following on from the mysterious disappearance of wee barra that we used to transport the chairs about the Hall and keeping in mind the trophy that went missing from 440, another mysterious disappearance has been      reported. It would appear that the mysterious Masonic serial thief has taken …….. Wait for it …. a table. Yes, one of our new fold down small tables has gone! But where? Too big to get in a  regalia case, even Alasdair's. But that`s not all, remember the wee drum that we used for raffles. That`s missing as well !  The question must be asked - is someone out there building a  Masonic Temple? If you have seen any on acting suspiciously with a table and a raffle drum, phone the confidential hot line.

No Dogs ! Recently a question was asked by one of the Friday Night Team (who     usually spend a Friday night solving world problems), “Were dogs allowed in the Lounge”. This was indeed an unusual question as we have never been asked this before. “Was it a guide dog”, “No, it was a performing dog”, was the reply.  I asked our expert (who has turned in some memorable performances in the past) for his opinion.  Adjusting his glasses, he said “No Dogs Allowed”.  

20,000 The first week in January was a milestone for the Right Angle visitors to our Home Page passed the 20,000 mark. Well done to everyone involved.

Jan 2006

Dive In ! The atmosphere was electric at the Christmas Draw night in the Lounge as the mystery prize was drawn. Our mysterious Christmas Draw organiser, Alasdair Dunlop, revealed a huge box which stunned the members with its size. R.W.M. Bobby Abercrombie pulled the winning name …Scott Moore!

The box was opened to reveal the mystery prize - a swimming pool. Not just any old swimming pool, this one was 9 foot in diameter by 4 foot high. Eat your heart out Generals Gate residents ! There were all sorts of suggestions about how this Master Plumber could plumb this in with a permanent water supply. 

Then the entrepreneurial side started to come through, we could put an add in the Advertiser to see if anyone had a spare dolphin and we could charge the kids to swim with the dolphins! Alex Hannah suggested stocking it with trout and charging for numbers caught. (well we think that`s what he said, he`s still having bother with his teeth) The subject moved on to winter and if the pool froze over we could charge the kids to ice skate, let the pool out to the zoo as extra space for their penguins. The suggestions were endless, someone even said that the next series of Baywatch could be filmed in Scott`s back yard as the pool was so big. 

Gi`day. Excitement was rife at the last Regular Meeting when Scott Moore received a text from our lads in Australia - Stuart and Craig seem to be having a good time checking out possible venues for future Deputations. 

 Just…….. inside The Back Page…..

Apollo 13…Just as we were settling down to watch the film at Christmas, those famous words “Huston we have a problem” took on a new meaning. The Starship Honda developed a malfunction on the instrument panel which read, 

“Oxygen deficiency alarm”. 

A picture of passengers making a filtering system out of Tunnocks boxes and (white) socks came into my mind. I asked our expert in malfunctions what he did. 

Adjusting his glasses, he said 

“I took it to a garage”. 

“Did you drive with the windows down?” I asked. 

He slowly adjusted his glasses and said nothing. Then I thought of the new Honda advert on the telly, if the guy with the long sideburns . . . grew a beard . . .  and wore glasses could he be  . . . … No. . . . .

“It was, an impossible dream … … .! “

Nov 2005

Trophy Found. The 440 Pool Trophy has been recovered. The Right Angle ran a story in the September issue that it had mysteriously  disappeared. Well the power of the Press obviously did the trick and it reappeared just as mysteriously as it disappeared! It was found in with the P.G.L. Golf trophies at the October Communication. Just turned up on the table a delighted 440 member was heard to say. The P.G.M. almost presented it to 440 who had mysteriously won all the golf trophies in Bill Perry`s last year as President of the golf section. 

Revealing. Recently overheard a conversation between two young inexperienced Office Bearers and a more experienced Office Bearer discuss how they learned their ritual. After a while one young inexperienced Office Bearer turned and asked “how do you learn yours?” Adjusting his glasses the experienced Office Bearer revealed, “I learn all mine in the bath! ”. I know what your thinking ………… does he keep his glasses on! 

Rumour. Rumour has it that in a new Fund Raising venture the front of the Temple will be paved with 3 by 2 slabs and hired out as a skateboard adventure playground. The Right Angle asked a recently retired Outwards Goods Executive what he thought of adventure playgrounds.  “I`ve just retired from an adventure playground, and I don`t want another one down here”, he replied in a cheery happy go lucky voice.

Oct 2005

Survival. It is perhaps one of the most difficult tasks - what do you give the man who has everything? That was the question - what do we bring   Alasdair back from Virginia. Then in a flash we had the    answer. A survival kit in a sardine can. Yes, a compass, whistle, matches, first aid kit, razor blade, pencil, pain      reliever, fire starter, bandage, energy nugget, fish hook, fishing line, wire clip, note paper, tea, sugar, salt, gum, safety pin, signal mirror and much more all packed into a sardine can. So just in case you happen to be returning from a visitation and experience car trouble don`t worry if the AA are not quick off the mark - there in the glove compartment is the answer to all your problems!

No show. As reported in last months Right Angle - The missing 440 Pool Trophy- seems that we`ve drawn a blank, no one has seen the missing trophy. Keep your eyes peeled.

Aug 2005

All our yesterdays. Interesting to note that as part of the 60th. Anniversary of V.E. day South Lanarkshire Council put on an exhibition “Lanarkshire at War”. One of the topics of interest on display was an Anderson Shelter. 

Our resident time traveller has one of those in his back garden in Laburnum Road. Well we think it is, but Who was the guy with the Police Call Box? 

440 Clean Up. The Provincial Grand Lodge Golf competition (which by coincidence is organised by the Secretary of 440) ended up in a clean sweep with 440 taking all the main prizes. The only trophy which escaped their clutches was the Seniors Trophy, allegedly because they were all to young to qualify!  

However. News filters back from North Broomhouse that one of their trophies is missing from the display cabinet. The trophy (pictured opposite) is the Lodge 440 Pool Trophy and as it is made of solid gold and has a white carrera marble base (made in Italy), anyone knowing of its whereabouts should contact the Secretary of 440. 

Close Encounter? Reports are filtering back that the President of the Open Country Touring Club experienced a close encounter with a truck while driving the Honda Enterprise. Speaking from behind a neck brace and looking remarkably like one of those American space shuttle astronauts just    before they put their helmets on, he  adjusted his glasses an said “Just superficial damage, except for my neck”.        

May 2005

Mystery Solved ! The mystery of the missing Y fronts which has haunted us for over six months was finally solved at the weekend. For those readers who do not know the story, a certain happy go lucky retired outward goods executive lost his Y fronts at his retirement do over six months ago. The loss remained a mystery until a stuffed deer in the Newtonmore Hotel found them. 

Close. On the way back from Kingussie shouts of excitement were heard from the back of the bus “Oh, look a wilderbeast”, an excited member shouted. Only to be told off by an expert on highland wildlife that it was in fact, a female cow ! Eh !  

No Joking. Members were at a low ebb when the   Master of the Unexpected announced that The Joker would not be drawn on the Bus but only at 579 Regular Meetings. As our photo shows spirits soon picked up when the 440 Secretary won the quiz. Soon followed the prize draw Raffle with such interesting and useful prizes as a chocolate rabbit Easter egg, a key finder, four miniature key ring torches, a really useful insulated hot drink cup and a Gent`s personal hair remover. But there was more - a football quiz. Photos of 100 European club badges, all you had to do was name them. This was won by two inexperienced young Office Bearers with a score of 83 and who could tell the difference between a wilderbeast  and a cow.  

April 2005

Retraction. It would appear that the photo of the Dook (that`s American for Duke) was slightly off the mark. Hair by McGarry & Blair ? “That`s no quite right son”, “I go to the Italian Barber in Bothwell ! “Well what can you say? what`s  Italian for short back and sides” 

Big Savings on the way! After the success of the Twenty`s Plenty Fundraiser, rumour had it that new SMARTIE tubes were about to hit the shelves - and they were hexagonal (that`s six sided in old money) 

NOT TRUE. As our exclusive photo shows they are Heptagonal (seven sided) and slightly larger than the old round tubes. The good news is THEY TAKE 50 PENCES that will double our fundraising at a stroke, a young inexperienced Office Bearer said  enthusiastically.  

How may sides has an enthusiastically got ? 

We asked our expert in unusual Fund Raising events for his opinion, adjusting his rectangular glasses, he said …….. Will the Smarties be bigger ? 

Too much information !   

This image is from the Nestle site for the Czech Republic. 

Over there, smarties are called LENTILKY

MARCH 2005

Virginians (not to be confused with our Lodge Vegetarians) Were up in arms that last months issue of The Right Angle (the first all colour issue) did not contain a colour photo of The Dook (that`s American for The Duke). E mails were red hot “we remember him singing The Farmers Boy” it could be No. 1 in the charts out here ! So for all you Virginians out there here he is.

Bro William E Orr aka "the Dook!"

Too much. It`s too big, he`ll not drink all that, draw it again, those were some of the  remarks to that handsome,  likeable,  wonderfully long speech maker John McIndoe when he won the gallon of Whisky in Alasdairs Draw . He should donate it to the kitchen staff a young inexperienced Office Bearer said. 

A more experienced Office Bearer  immediately replied “No, you would kill them”. 

Talking about young inexperienced Office Bearers - not so inexperienced when it comes to supporting their team in Cup Finals.  We were there - Monthewell!!    

FEB 2005

Master Chef & Soup Taster. 

At the recent P.G.L., A.G.M. the members were taken aback at the latest culinary delights to hit the pallets. Absolutely fantastic! However, a young inexperienced Office Bearer did notice the resemblance to the P.G.L. soup taster and the soup taster on Bruce`s apron. 

Congratulations

Sticking with the P.G.L., A.G.M. 579 members were delighted that Bro. Bill Perry, the handsome Secretary from 440 won the star prize that 579 donated to the New Year Draw - a colour TV. Bill was nearly overcome with emotion when he found out that he had won.

Ya Dancer. 

With the news that the Lodge were going to Kingussie in April hot off the Press. Questions were being asked if the nightlife will be as good in Kingussie as it was in Arran. Who can forget those two young inexperienced Office Bearers getting off the ferry at Brodick and “just going for a walk round the town centre”. Is there a town centre in Kingussie? Will there be a Disco?  

And Now. 

With the advantage to colour, the picture that you`ve been waiting for. Jim Skywalker ! We asked a well known spaceman for his opinion. Adjusting his glasses he said, “ It`s life Jim, but not as we know it”.     

JAN 2005

Is Santa a F.C.? The Christmas decorations on Uddingston Main St. were a delight to behold, but what about that Santa at The Cross? I was coming from Bothwell and stopped at the Cross  traffic lights. Just as the lights changed to green I was sure that the Santa on the left gave the sign of a F.C. and I could almost hear him say pass Brother ! 

SNOWFAIR ! It`s no fair! they 440 types are always picking on Scott & Ronnie , a young inexperienced Office Bearer said as the latest 440 plot unfolded. At the           Installation the two happy go lucky mentors were presented with envelopes and they made their way back to their tables thinking that they had somehow managed to make the 440 Senior Citizens Christmas list. Then as they opened their envelopes the full horror unfolded - 440 Affiliation Forms. It was enough to drive a man to drink - and it did. 

Rumour. The latest rumour is that all has gone quiet on the Sat Nav front. No flashing lights, no talk of open country touring. Could it be that the technical hitches explained in the November issue were true and that a computer did melt during the loading of the programme? 

Rumour 2 News is filtering back from our contact in the Bahamas that our Life President was     featured on the front page of the local newspaper in full Highland Regalia. Kept that quiet I thought, well if he can make the front page of a Nassau newspaper he can make The Back Page of The Right Angle. When asked how he managed to get involved with this downmarket Nassau tabloid, He adjusted his glasses and said, “It was a cultural thing” and with these few words he was off, we don`t know where to, perhaps neither does he. 

But he is being satellite navigated to wherever he was going. 

May the force be with you!

DEC 2004

Virginians. With all these Americans visiting our Lodge over the last week it wasn`t long before the Lodge was rife with rumour. 

First we heard that a certain member of the local gentry, who goes by the name of Dook (that`s American for Duke) had been telling wide eyed Americans that he owned everything from the Zoo to Bothwell Bridge. 

Next we heard that a young inexperienced office bearer had got them confused with Ranbir & Nirmal,. Much thought went into this rumour before we discovered what the misunderstanding was . .  . . clarification, Ranbir & Nirmal are Vegetarians, Wayne & Ray are Virginians. 

By this time our imagination was running wild and someone was taking names for a bus to Virginia  . . . . . clarification, buses don`t go to Virginia, planes go to Virginia. 

Baillieston Band Banned. The Pipe Band were tremendous at the Installation but there was a bit of controversy when they were introduced as The Uddingston Strathclyde Pipe Band. It seems that those unruly types from North Broomhouse think that they are the Baillieston Strathclyde Pipe Band. I asked a man who knows a thing or two about music (he`s a Willie Nelson Fan) for his opinion, adjusting his glasses, he took a deep sigh and said “it`s all hot air”. 

Talking about Toucans, how is it that the handsome Secretary from 440 ended up with the new nickname of Toucan? It`s a mystery, but if anyone knows the answer then let us know. 

Another Rumour. It seems that the Life President of The Open Country Touring Club has thrown tradition to the wind and had Satellite  Navigation installed in the new flagship. Well that`s not quite correct, apparently there was a slight technical hitch with the software and a computer nearly melted. It`s installed but it`s not commissioned is the correct terminology.             

Nov 2004

ERAWEEBARRAER. Confusion was the order of the day when the October Issue hit the streets. Gone the Wee Barra was the headline and the younger members were left somewhat confused! 

Gone the Wee Barra! was the famous shout that supporters of the Blues used when Willie Henderson set off down the wing. But the Wee Barra referred to, in the article, was the wee barrow used to transport chairs about the Hall. 

After searching in and around the Temple no barrow was to be found. The story reached The Back Page and amazingly the wee barra returns. 

Another Masonic mystery??!

O.C.T.C. The Open Country Touring Club took on new dimensions when the life President went with Lodge St. Enoch to the Bahamas. Gone was the leafy lanes of South Lanarkshire in a questionable road worthy car, we were into air travel ! "Doesn`t he look good with a sun tan . . " one Lady said. 

Closing one eye, I could see that swarthy Simon Templar look-alike cutting a dash on the white sands of  Cable Beach. 

I managed to catch a few moments with him on his return, 

"Pirates of the Caribbean!" A young inexperienced Office Bearer said. 

"No, they were all well behaved", was the reply.  What about the jet lag and the time difference I said sheepishly. Adjusting his glasses, the Time Lord ( remember he looks after the Lodge clock) shook his head and said, "It all depends when you wake up". 

With these words of wisdom he set off, still dressed in the full Highland Regalia that he travels in.

Crisis in 440. Imagine the scene,  the Provincial Grand Chaplain is coming to conduct the Annual Divine Service and he casually asks the richest Lodge in the Province (allegedly) if they have a lectern. The handsome Secretary gritted his teeth and said no. 

A young inexperienced 579 Office Bearer who was not minding his own business said that his Lodge had two!  . . .

"Kinwehuvalenniwan?"  Roughly translated into  G71 speak this means, "Can we have a loan of your lectern, please !"  

Rumour has it that shortly after this the Secretary of 440 left the country.           

Oct 2004

Permission to retire. After what seemed like a lifetime for us, Bro. Ronnie McCarney has retired  from the world famous biscuit factory where he became known as the Michael Schumacher of the forklift circuit. His retirement night was held in the Lounge. Nun of your regular Friday night entertainment here! The lads were held captive by the sultry lines of the lady who someone initially thought was selling copies of the War Cry. Temperatures were rising, but the heat was taken out of the situation with a pint of ice cubes. Celebrations were in full flow when a young inexperienced Office Bearer asked if there would be any singing. There sure was — but we`re not sure what it was. 

Finally what do you give The Outward Goods Executive who has everything  . . . . . . . .  . .  a cake with a remote controlled forklift on top. 

Gone the Wee Barra Older members thought that a famous Glasgow club had signed a good outside right with all the shouting that was going on. But the "wee barra" was that small device that we use to transport six chairs at a time round the Hall. 

Where did it go? A mystery! It was here one minute and gone the next. Who could have a use for such a thing? Don`t know! So if you know what happened to our wee barra let us know or it may remain a mystery. 

Rumour. Rumours were sweeping the retirement do' that The Life Chairman of the Open Country Touring Club was about to invest in satellite navigation. When asked for his opinion, he just adjusted his glasses and said “it just plugs into the cigar lighter”. 

Will he have it in time for his trip to The Bahamas with St. Enoch? Will we ever see him again, for the full story of his epic journey across the pond tune into the next issue.

Sept 2004

Big Five O. During the recess a milestone was passed. Alasdair Dunlop

Soft lounge lizard music played in the background, (a young inexperienced office bearer thought that it sounded like the music that they played in the dentists) but the

big question was, what do you give the man who has everything as a prezzie?  

Tops were, 

1st. give him - the knob off his cruise control switch, so that he can turn it up. 

2nd. A flick chainsaw, 

3rd. 2,597 answers came equal. 

Big 50 ! This came as a shock to some, as the Simon Templar look alike has kept his suave looks over the years despite living life in the "fast lane" . "Who did Simon Templar play for?" a young inexperienced office bearer asked. 

He didn`t play for anyone, he was a kind of poor mans James Bond was the reply. He was very British, suave, debonair, chivalrous, stiff upper lip and drove a volvo! Talking about the fast lane and remembering the early days of experimenting

with the new Honda cruise control (being overtaken on the M8 by a breakdown wagon pulling a car etc.) does this mean that he will be "turning up the volume" and going for the national speed limit? When asked, our expert adjusted his glasses and replied, "speed kills, its about getting to the destination safely, whichever road you take".

For those of us at the crossroads of life, I thought of the O.C.T.C. motto, If you don`t know where your going any road will take you there. 

Is this what he meant? 

Work Party Report (or Tales of the Unexpected.)

Timber ! Taking advantage of a lull in the summer weather the work party cut down various trees in the front garden including a huge silver birch which was growing through the telephone cables. 

It was like a scene from the keystone cops an observer observed. The tree had to be cut down without touching the telephone wires.

Scott Moore who was in charge of this operation (I know what your thinking, who put him in charge) decided that the tree had to be cut in three parts to miss the telephone line. 

Don`t worry a good joint was put in the telephone line and the railings were tested to see if they would withstand falling trees. 

Fire ! The loft space was completely emptied of 80 years worth of junk and along with the trees the skip was full to the brim. The R.W.M. sensed there was something wrong when two fire engines passed him on the way to the Hall and sure enough

someone had set the skip on fire. Not just any old fire a blazer of a fire, "never seen anything like it since the Simitar developed an electrical fault", someone said. "I knew there was a fire when I saw the fire engines going down the Bothwell Road", an old Duke said.

An expert on fires adjusted his glasses as he gave his opinion, "Fairly `polished` off the skip, intense heat I`d say".  

Happy Painting Company.(HPC)  After recovering from the trauma of the outside work the trauma

Norrie (Master Painter) informed me that he and I last papered the foyer and corridor in 1975. You pasted, I papered.

After 14 rolls of paper had been applied I wondered why I couldn`t remember. But maybe it was because I was being bombarded by the singing painter. If John (surname withheld, but available on request) had been a postman he would have been in the charts. He started singing (badly) as soon as he smelled the paint and didn`t stop till the tins were closed. He even sang during the tea break. He sang everything, Rock, Country, Folk, Hymns, . . . . I mean everything, he even sang duets by himself. 

My escape was to listen to the golf on the MP`s radio. . It`s on 909 I said. I don`t think that I can get that station was the reply. ...................

As I adjusted the radio I could understand why, the whole radio was painted white, even the waveband indicator. 

The Tale of the White Brick. 

Some members have been curious about how a white brick appeared at the entrance to the Hall. It was about one o`clock on Saturday afternoon when the singing was rudely interrupted by a happy go lucky Tunnocks worker on his way home from work. 

He stood in the foyer and did a 360 degree turn looking at all our hard work. We waited for his reaction to our hours of toil, even the singing painter was silent.

There we stood awaiting . . .  watching him watching us, like some eastern student waiting for words of wisdom from his Master,  . . . .then he spoke - "do you know that there`s a brick jamming the front gate open?"

You could almost hear the paint drying on the walls - A brick, the front gate. "That`s the painters brick", I said. 

"The painters brick? Why does the painter need a brick?" he asked 

"It was to hold the gate open while we got all the painter material out of the car", I said sheepishly.

"We`ll, I didn`t know it was the painters brick", was the reply, and  . . . . he was gone. 

He`ll know a painters brick the next time he sees one the Master Painter said. 

And so the tale of the white brick. A.O.O.B.K.

By the third Saturday, respite was required from  the relentless singing, I`ll clean the gutters and check the downpipes, I said. Unbelievably, I could still hear him from the outside. After hours of gutter cleaning and paying particular attention to the valley gutter as previously instructed by my mentor Alex Hannah, I made my way round the front of the hall. 

It was above the front door where the outside light is, coca cola cans, plastic bottles, wasps, wasps ! yep! Wasps! hundreds of them, it must have been the smell of paint that made them angry or was it the singing? Never mind, they were stinging me and it was too high to jump. 

The wasp stings on my arms got little sympathy from the painters! 

You could start a Lodge of the Ancient Order of Bee Keepers down here was one quip. 

The five hours that remained were filled with every song that you could think of with a B in it. You know the ones, That`ll bee the day, Bee my Bee baby, and so on. 

However, if you were one of the ones who did not make an appearance at the

work party - you missed one of the best work parties ever. 

A great deal of good work was done and I`ve never heard so many people laugh

for a long time.

May 2004

Work Party

The Back Page will be reporting the progress of the renovations to the Lounge and Foyer areas during the Recess. If You are available to help in any way during the recess, then contact the R.W.M. The work will start in the first week in June and the Hall will be open every night of the week. So if you can`t make it on Monday don`t worry, come on Tuesday, if you can`t come on Monday or Tuesday don`t worry come on Wednesday, if you can`t come Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday don`t worry come on Thursday and if you can`t come Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday don`t worry come on Friday and if you can`t come that week don`t worry you can always come next week. 

Free Gardeners.

The members of 579 have generously agreed that the loft area above the Ladies toilet can be used as a store for the items that Adelphi Bluebell Lodge have gathered together in the last two years. We need a few Gardeners who will clear out this area and prepare it for our paraphernalia. Can you help?

Work together.

Lets all work together during the recess to make the task of the renovation work easier.

Don't you.

Don't you be the first to appear after the recess and say that the Halls are looking great and you have not made an effort to help out.

Come down anytime and give your Lodge your support.   

April 2004

Purple Shoes.

Members were in a frenzy when one of our party appeared in those legendary Purple Shoes. 

Immediately it brought back memories of Skye, Fortrose and other places that they had been spotted. "Are you sure they`re purple?" Aubergine? Heliotrope? no were`ve been here before - they`re Purple, said the happy go lucky mentor. "I just wear them when we`re visiting an island." 

"The Black Isle isn`t an island, it`s a penisula!" a future winner of the bus quiz said. Everythings got to be either black or white, another mentor said. 

That leads me on to another story! Walls! White Walls to be exact. On the Saturday afternoon in Arran, mentors were doing what mentors do, walking along the front looking like well to do tourists. 

One mentor had walked too far and sat down on a low wall to refresh himself. Then as he was about to continue with his journey he assisted himself to his feet with the aid of a small sign, and much to his surprise white paint came rather loosely from the wall. On investigating further, much to his surprise, he found white paint on the wall, his hands, trousers , underwear, jacket and many other places. 

Alas, (or something similar) he said, this wall has just been painted ! The mentors quickly read the wet paint sign and with all due solemnity returned to the hotel to report their discovery. They also made another discovery ! This photo of the mentors was taken on Saturday, we know this because Ronnie has a similar jersey which he wears on a Sunday. The only difference is that his Sunday one has the pattern on the back!            

March 2004

Sensational. The question usually arises - where were you when President Kennedy was shot? or where were you when the first man landed on the moon?. Well the new question now being asked is - where were you when Alasdair Dunlop sang When I Fall in Love. It was at the harmony which followed the visit to 599. The IPM was asked to sing and as he stood up there was a hush in the hall.

As he adjusted his new glasses (don`t adjust yours, his do change colour) and just as everyone thought that he was going to give us an old favourite from ZZ Top, he stunned the company with that old Nat King Cole number . . . When I Fall in Love.

Sensational - we haven`t heard anything like it since the Shirts brought the house down with his version of Slow Boat to China ! Do you think he practices in the bath ? a young office bearer was heard to say. Some performance - smooth as a Honda in cruise control.

Iran trip. Looks like things are warming up for the visit to St. Molios this month.

The Open Country Touring Club will be organising a raffle and the traditional quiz on the bus, look out for those unique prizes. A feature of this years trip is that members going for the first time have been appointed mentors to look after them. "Is there a disco in the toon" a young office bearer asked his mentor. "No, but don`t worry there`s usually dancing on the tables at the Harmony" the mentor replied.    

Feb 2004

ASDA PRICE? Rumour has it that our intrepid I.P.M. after being dropped off at home from an Installation by Pat Clarke could not get into his house. The story goes that his father on seeing the car at the side of the house thought that he was in bed, locked up for the night and went to bed. 

The I.P.M. could not get in to the house - but by luck he had his car keys in his pocket. Only one thing to do ! All night shopping at Asda ! Imagine the sight, a tall gentleman pushing a trolley dressed in a Dinner Suit round Hamilton Asda in the middle of the night. But what did he buy ? How long can you spend in a supermarket just browsing ? 

Then a bombshell struck ! There it was in the Daily Record - Asda Product Recall - Mexican Sizzler Gift Set. Recalled because of non permitted colouring, Sudan 1. 

Did you receive one of these as a gift or perhaps as a raffle prize? Have you been off colour? Do you feel like growing a Mexican Moustache?  

The I.P.M. was asked for an opinion .......... adjusting his glasses he replied "Away and Raffle ". 

Keeping an eye on The Back Page  was er........ what`s his name ? Rutcliff, Shirtcliffe, Sircliff, that Rat Cliff or something. The Shirts ! thats him, just happened to call into the Lounge the night I had the camera down. Looking like a kind of off the peg film producer - with a leather jacket and outrageous pink

tartan shirt we were unsure that it was him. But then his after shave (Marbitman) confirmed that it was indeed our long departed Brother returned to the fold. 

Silver Fox. You would have to have been there to believe it ! The 440 Installation ! The Handsome Secretary, known locally for some unknown reason as The Silver Fox was presented with a box (a large box) of what was rumoured to be viagra! Could it be that this icon of the Provinces Secretaries is going over the hill ........... perish the thought. Then everything fell into place, he was spotted on hogmanay at the driving range, cracking the ball straight as a die for miles. 

What are you playing off of now, I asked ? ...sheepishly. "Eight, was the reply. In the last few months I`ve never played better". Could it be that 440 have stumbled on the answer to a great golfing mystery - loss of form ? 

Xmas greetin. Scott Moore thought that someone had sent him a Christmas present through the post when he got one of these collect at the post office cards. But alas it was a Christmas card from 440 and they forgot to put a stamp on it. Scott had to pay £1.06 to get it. It`s the thought that counts. 

Staying with 440. There was a near riot at the P.G.L. ,A.G.M. when Bro. Pat Clarke, P.M. 579 stood in at very short notice as Inner Guard for the night. The 440 members thought that this was a "back door" move to get another 579 member

into Provincial. No it was not, Inner Guard is already in the door!.  

New Machine. After our technical director finally condemned the fruit machine to death by adjusting its electronic brain with a B&Q screwdriver, we purchased a brand new machine. Too many flashing lights, I heard someone say ! Trekkies were in a buzz, they like flashing lights, and if you close one eye... you think that you are in a time machine. 

I know what you are asking how do you know who the technical director is .... easy! He`s the one with things growing out of his glasses. 

Key Man. It was to be the title that he always wanted, A Time Lord. 

As keeper of the Lodge grandfather clock wind up key he could claim that title as his own. Then disaster struck ... time stood still.... he lost the key ! When asked for his opinion, he had difficulty adjusting his glasses because of these things growing out of them, but said, "as a key member of this Lodge I will find the key to the clock".

Please do not adjust anything meantime........       

Dec 2003

Touring Club Mystery.

A mystery source gave the Editor the story line of the year. 

It read

Hold on to your castanets a minute - we have never heard a squeak about this - could it be just another Rumour that the tabloid press were famous for or could it be that there is a darker side to The Master? 

Investigative Journalism ! that was what I was thinking about, when suddenly doubts came into mind. 

The car was reported to be Cortina, this did not fit the image of a dashing Simon Templar look alike. Recovered in Spain? some of the Masters recent cars have had difficulty getting to Edinburgh, but Spain! I was having doubts that this was just another rumour, probably emanating from North Broomhouse . 

Alas, Alas, Alasdair, only one thing to do - when in doubt ask! I waited for the right moment, then slipped in a nervous one liner, Alasdair did you used to have

a Ford Cortina that was stolen around 1994 and recovered about two years ago in Spain?  

He adjusted his glasses and tilted his head to one side as if he had been struck a glancing blow…….. Yes, He said……..it was involved in a fatality!  

Having been a passenger in a selection

The mystery continues as thoughts raced through my head…..what was a Spanish taxi driver doing in Viewpark in 1994? How did he manage to drive the car to Spain? Where did the missing ten years go? 

Could the taxi driver be a friend of Alexi the Spanish waiter who has family in Generals Gate? …………. Watch this space! ……. Space?

Is that another clue?         

Nov 2003

Scandal ! It was the first trip to Edinburgh in the new flagship of the Open Country Touring Club, the Masters Honda. Suffering the technology of cruise control, a cool 55 MPH, which is the optimum speed for maximum fuel efficiency. (We considered paying the difference to go faster).

Complementing the Master on his choice of car, he let slip that this was his second Honda. A hushed car heard him say that the Old Girl was in fact a Honda. Wash your mouth out ! The old girl was a Rover, her badge is in the display cabinet !  But she had a darker side - Rover 214`s had a Honda engine and gearbox. Damn crafty these Japanese, will we have to re write the Lodge history? How will this be taken by the Members of the Touring Club ? The Master, cool as usual, just waved as we were overtaken by a breakdown truck towing a car. 

Turning to the Brother on my left, I said, 

"It`s not often that you get overtaken by a breakdown truck towing a car on the motorway". 

The Master was asked for his opinion, adjusting his glasses he said, 

"It`s going too fast to be towing".          

Oct 2003

Nice Idea. It looked like the very thing, a new fridge to fill with the latest designer bottled beer. It was a generous donation and a well meant thought. The bar convener crammed as many bottles into the fridge and awaited Friday. But alas, the fridge turned out to be a freezer and the beer, well. . . it was frozen - (true).  

Chainsaw

Rumour 1. Members were in turmoil as a rumour swept the lounge on

Rumour 2. Since the Master bought his super Honda a number

The End. Recent newspaper reports suggest that the famous Cadbury`s Dairy Milk Chocolates advert is to end after 35 years. You know the advert, tall dark guy always dressed in a dinner suit and white bow tie drives a Scimitar and goes to extraordinary lengths just to make sure of a delivery of a box of chocolates. (very James Bond or Simon Templar).

Well The Back Page asked our very own Man in Black for his opinion, adjusting his glasses, he replied "Simon never drove a Scimitar".

It wasn`t a ......... dare I say it ........ a Honda?           

Sept 2003

Summer of Discontent. It was a summer to remember, a summer of discontent!

As reported in the stop press of the May issue the rumour was true - The Master has bought a new car. Things have never been the same since the old girl was finally put down, the Scimitar, futuristic as it was (we think) was prone to all sorts of problems, 15 miles to the gallon (mainly due to a fuel pipe leak), wiring inexplicably melting and constant problems with water ingress made it a true enthusiasts car. Then a complete change of direction, a small white Ford. Logic defied how the master got into this car. It was akin to the Duke of Hamilton buying a sarcophagus to be buried in, only to find that when he died he wouldn`t fit in it. But now, The Master has looked to the East for inspiration - Japan ! 

He has bought a Honda. Some of the Touring Club Members experienced it first hand on the Kilwinning trip, keeping clear of the M77 he stuck to the open country roads, with Hank Williams on the C.D. and nothing in front we slipped into the new phenomenon of cruise control. When asked about Japan, he adjusted his glasses and said " It was made in Tyneside". Ah, so the North East, I replied. Beware - it`s out there. 

Discontent from the Health and Safety Lady who inspected the Hall prior to the Bar licence being granted. Picture the scene in the kitchen as she asked the worthy Secretary, "Do you have a first aid kit?" Yes, said a puzzled Secretary as he tried to remember where it was. Then in a flash he remembered it was in the Electrical Distribution Board. He handed it over, enthusiastically explaining that the Master was an Eagle Scout trained in First Aid and ready for any emergency. "It`s never been opened" he said. "You`re right" said the Lady, "these bandages are dated 1985 !"  (readers don`t worry, a new First Aid box has been purchased, the only thing is The Master is still our First Aid expert)               

May 2003

There was a near riot when the April issue of The Right Angle hit the streets - no Back Page ! What happened? Well Pat Clarke was promised a good page for the Sportsmans Dinner advert, so the Back Page was the good page! 

Talking about sportsmen - what about the new sporty look that the R.W.M. has adopted! Just as we are experiencing the warmest April on record he sets the fashion by turning up on a Friday night in Skiing gear! Not just any Ski gear, we`re talking St. Mortiz `67 Ski Club gear. Franz Klammer eat your heart out!

Toxic Waste. Rumour has it that the bus back from the North came under attack from some sort of chemical weapon! Scud missiles were mentioned and things were going from bad to worse with some members developing symptoms like slurred speech, watering eyes and drowsiness. Only those on the bus really now what happened and it would be unusual for The Back Page to get involved in speculation.

Rumour. Members were in a frenzy as a rumour spread through the village that the R.W.M.`s car (the

small white mass produced one) had failed its M.O.T. for .... wait for it..... rust. Didn`t get that problem with its plastic predecessor I said. The rumour also went out that a new old girl was in the pipeline - made in the far east this time! Watch this space for further developments.

March 2003

Ladies in a sweat. The heat was turned up this month in the ladies toilet as our master plumber fitted a new radiator. The lone plumber was given a roasting by members for not asking for help to carry out

the work. His answer could have been straight from the Editors pen, "It was a one man job". The long awaited modification means that they will now take twice as long to do what they do in there because its

now probably the warmest room in the house! 

Fingal Dingwall there was the usual speculation surrounding the trip north. In the past we`ve had ghost sightings, space ship sightings and other sightings which I can`t mention here, because some women read this page. This year I was asked if we would see the Aurora Borealis, "Only if the Shirts has got a room with a view" was the answer. I asked our expert on space about the Borealis, adjusting his glasses he said....... "It`s a northern phenomenon that you only see at night ! "

……… Talking about phenomenons, what about Bill Perry in a kilt at the Burns Supper! Phenomenal !

The girls were in a sweat before the new radiator was fitted. One ( who was obviously under the weather) thought that he looked like Lorenzo Amoruso ! What next for the handsome 440 Secretary ? Fashion shows, cook books, videos, grecian 2000 ? 

There is a Rumour that his photo is hanging in the ladies!         

February 2003

Rumour 1. 

The latest rumour is that Bill Perry, the handsome Secretary of Lodge Robert Burns will be wearing a kilt at his first official engagement as President of the Burns Club at the Burns Supper. Since this rumour started there has been an unusually high interest in tickets from the ladies. Well he is rather a handsome lad........ 

Rumour 2.

Another anorak story. Those of you who read The Right Angle and frequently mention the spelling mistakes missed a classic error. It has come to our attention that there are two number sixty issues of The Right Angle. An anorak amongst us was "just checking " his back issues and

happened to notice that Nov. 2001 and Dec. 2001 had the same number. 

Why did we not notice this? what do we call the next issue? The members were asking difficult questions. Answer, there will be no issue 71 this one will be 72. 

Rumour 3. 

On hearing that the Lodge had been invited to Dingwall a member was heard to exclaim, "That means the Squirrels will be back". Squirrels ? I said, What`s this about squirrels.

It`s all those members that you don`t see during the winter,  like the Squirrels then in the spring we go away for a weekend and all of a sudden there back. Squirrels ! Are you a Squirrel? Remember -

if your not here then you won`t be there ! 

Rumour 3. 

Let there be light ! R.W.M. decides to change a light bulb in the cupboard area. I had the new bulb in my hand a just touched it and the light came back on. The power at this mans fingertips !            

January 2003

Rumour 1 SATNAV. Rumours are that the President of The Open Country

Touring Club has been experimenting with satellite navigation. As our photo suggests, fine tuning is still required. 

Rumour 2 Remember that (nearly) white anorak that a certain Master wore for about 15 years. Yes, the one that he used to wear to fix his car, well it seems to have gone the same way as the car - laid to rest ! No more the oil patch on the back or the fried egg stain on the sleeve. Another

piece of Lodge folklore gone forever - or is it ? 

Rumour 3 Were they real? that`s the question everyone was asking at the Saturday Night in the Lounge last week. Two of our worthies played the part of Jack & Victor from Chewing The Fat. They brought the house down, but the question everyone was asking was "Were they acting". 

December 2002

Gardeners. All this talk of Gardeners and we nearly forgot to mention our real Gardeners. Featured in the Hamilton Advertiser was the South Lanarkshire Council garden competition winners Jim Morrell and Alex Hannah. Jim won prizes in the Floral, Patio and Vegetable while Alex won a prize for Vegetables. Seems as if all this watering by Ronnie McCarney has paid off! 

Rumour. The Right Angle has heard a rumour that next years weekend away will be to Dingwall, yes Dingwall. Where`s that? somewhere up north! Lodge Fingal No. 318 are going to invite us up to do a Degree in April. Watch this space! 

Jedi returns as THE MASTER. A full report on the Installation will appear in the January issue, but members can`t wait to read of the Return of the Jedi. The space warrior has returned to take command of the Lodge just as it embarks on a journey into the unknown! Watch this "space" for all the latest from our Top Man. Asked what he knew about The Gardeners, he adjusted his glasses and said, "It`s life Jim but not as we know it"     

September 2002

Touring Club News. After the May issue story about Tommy Bryce taking

How does that work ? I asked. The Duke, never one to miss the opportunity to tell a story, said that all you did was type in your destination. press a button.... and a woman told you which turns to take to get you there "it`s impossible to get lost son". ........ My mind was in a quandary, who was this woman..... how did she get in the car........ how did she get into the Touring Club...... does Alisdair know about this? Adjusting my new glasses, I asked a man who is an expert on Satellites and Navigation and getting lost for an opinion.  

Adjusting - it can`t be missed, it has a large dish on the roof.   

Rumours.

Rumours are rife in the Baillieston area that 579 members have booked and open top bus to carry the Provincial Golf Trophy back from the P.G. Quarterly at Coatbridge via Baillieston Main St. to our Lodge.

Not true! We`re not going down the Main St., we`re going to turn off at Baillieston lights along Church St. (past 440 Temple) and down the Hangmans Brae.  

More Rumours. Another rumour circulating in the North Broomhouse area is that another window in the West of the Temple is to be made into a display cabinet to  accommodate our sporting trophies.    

MAY 2002

Touring Club News.

True story about the BMW front bumper the District Grand Secretary and our Tommy. The District of the Bahamas Grand Secretary`s wife bashed his pride and joy 1980`s BMW (with chrome bumpers). After searching all over the Caribean and even some States in America, he gave up hope of ever getting a replacement part. Then Tommy Bryce came to the rescue and took one with him in hand luggage when he went over there in March. Yes, that`s right he took a BMW bumper with him on the plane to Nassau in his hand luggage.  Tommy is well in front in the O.C.T.C. member of the year.

Fort William Rumours circulated that there was no scandal on this years trip, although a member thought that he saw a beady eyed ghost in the Hotel ! There was no dancing at this years Harmony, only a kind of Eastern aerobics which involved a period of meditation after each exercise. A number of digital photos

APRIL 2002

7 Years of The Back Page.

Remember ? The first issue when we reported that The Open Country Touring Club, a recently formed motoring club that specialised in non-motorway travel. The Duke reported on is holiday to Turkey, "You`ve got to watch those Turks, there not too particular" only to find out he was at Torquay!

Then there was the scandal of the 579 Honorary Member spotted in the Bora Bora Bar in Gran Canaria at an 18-30 disco, wearing Miami Vice gear.

The Bus broke down on the childrens outing to Burntisland and Big Ronnie fixed the engine.

The back page reported that the Old Girl was no more.

Alex Hannah reports that he has a ringer of a cousin, Alexi, who works as a Spanish waiter in Gran Canaria.